The Affect #4
The battle with-in
I think and I’m pretty confident that I suffer from minor depression. I have not been diagnosed nor been seen by a professional, but have researched a bit and I seem to experience the symptoms of someone with depression. For anyone who might feel as if they might be experiencing depression please do not hesitate to seek help and reach out to the correct professionals. I myself need to take my own advice and seek help to at least solidify my depression.
You really never know something until you experience it for yourself. Never did I think I would be typing up a blog post on depression let alone possibly living with it. Life is without doubt full of the unexpected, and you can bet your ass I was not expecting to be going through this tough time in my life. Not eating, check, sleeping longer than normal, check, struggling to be active, check again, less enjoyment in things that once brought insurmountable joy, check, emotions jumping from content, to sad than angry…yes! This is all very shocking to me cause I’m the type to be active and always on the move to do things that improve me as a person and inspire others. Nowadays, I’m completely dead mentally, emotionally, religiously, and physically. Help, help, please help…
Who’s to blame here? I’m pointing the finger at myself this time around. In order to fix a problem you must know what the problem is, admit to having that problem, than figuring out the steps to eliminate that problem. My issue is I know the issue, and the cause, but for the first time in my life I hesitate to take action in order to resolve the issue. This is where shit gets real and sad to be honest. I’m deteriorating slowly but surely, and hesitate to put myself in a position to get better. I shed tears as I type this, hoping for comfort and some type of relief. Crying like they say actually helps, but clearly not enough. Its as though I choose to be miserable which is ridiculous, but true.
Cannot go on like this, you cant go on like this, we cant go on like this! One life to live and whats it to live a life of captivity? Captivity inside your own thoughts, what I tragic way to live. My emotions get the best of me and I remain, remain unmoved, unmotivated, uninspired. To be alive does not mean you are living, I’m surely not. Typing this up to let myself and others know to not give up and find a way out, get the hell out. Escape, break free of the chains that slow you down to a crawl and make you feel unworthy. I hate that we as humans go through depression, its such a burden to carry.
There are days of ease and delight, than there’s those days of mental suffering and turmoil. The fight within myself continues regardless on how I feel. Its my life yes, but there are times when I feel like a puppet attached to strings and all my movements are involuntary. Not going to ask why life is hard, but I cant help but wonder. To escape would be great. Flee from this feeling of dread and despair and live in harmony within myself. Drugs, alcohol and other detrimental methods to temporarily numb the pain are occasionally alluring, but I know all to well that the bliss is short lived.
I share this not to receive sympathy or have someone tell me it will all be okay, I share this cause not only does it give me an outlet to vent and relieve my inner most feelings, but its also a way to connect with others who might be feeling and dealing with the same situation I’m facing. Therapy is much easier when you can relate, be honest, and feed off one another in a positive manner. I wish myself and anyone else that suffers from anxiety or any form of depression goodness to come in their future. You are not alone and know that there are many in the same boat as you. Also keep in mind that there are plenty of good people left in this crazy world that actually give a damn and are willing to listen understand and lend a helping hand. ProgressiveBeing always, constant improvement through self improvement; taking it one step at a time.